cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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