She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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