I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I need a beard to bite.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
