About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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