I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
