I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm like, not good at living.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
