We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Hippo gnu deer
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
