I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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