I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
