the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She bit a glass in half.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
