last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
