so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
