I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
