My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
