On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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