I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
