I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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