lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize