I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
