Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
