Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
