and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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