Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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