I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
