sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
