last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
