He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
