happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Michael Bay diarrhea
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
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