Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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