He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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