so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
