I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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