I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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