Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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