you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
