I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
