I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize