i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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