he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
