i will never coherently bang her
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
