I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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