he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm too high and old for this...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
