I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize