Walk of Shame. In a state park.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
