How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
