you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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