I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My vagina just recognized that song.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
