I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
