She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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