Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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