i think my mom watched the whole time
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
