Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
