Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
