Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize