Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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