he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
