I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
