Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
