Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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