was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
